The first blush of love is intoxicating. Every touch, every kiss, every
thought of each other is enough to quicken your heart and thrill your
spirit. You are perfect for one another.
Then things change. Differences show up. You feel annoyed. Irritated. Anger is close at hand. Instead of the perfection you enjoyed what seems like just a few days ago-the treasure of two-who-have-become-as-one-you now feel suddenly separate, almost alone. You’re not even sure he is someone you like anymore. Love has taken your relationship into its next passage of intimacy. We call it the clash of differences.
Real love insists that you move beyond the easy connection of the early days and allow your differences to make themselves known. Love challenges you to reveal more of your complexity, your limitations, quirks, excellence, and perhaps most important, those moments when you can’t imagine things going any other way but yours-in other words, your whole self.
The clash of differences is not only inevitable. It’s necessary. It’s that
time when love asks, “Are you serious about your relationship? Are you
willing to venture beyond what you expected and learn what awaits you? Do you want a love that takes root deep inside both of you?
When faced with love’s challenges, too many couples give up and let go of what could have been a very good relationship. Why? Because they believe that conflict means failure. They expect a spiritually meaningful love to happen effortlessly. They withdraw emotionally, convinced that something has gone terribly wrong, and despair that love is no longer possible.
This notion that love is without conflict is wrong. Flat wrong. It denies
the natural and necessary progression you must face when you join your
unique self with your partner who is also one-of-a-kind.
Excluding emotional and/or physical abuse, which absolutely and
unequivocally have nothing to do with love, your conflicts are signals that
both of you are showing up in your distinctiveness, which is a fundamental requirement if you are to ever have a relationship you can trust with your whole heart and soul.
However, we must all have compassion for ourselves. No one receives training in how to date effectively and how to co-create a successful, romantic long-term relationship. Most people, men and women alike, see conflict as somebody-wins-and-somebody-loses. No one likes to lose and the winner never really wins because the loser gets revenge somewhere down the line. Why wouldn’t we want to stay in the simple and easy pleasures of the first part of love?
Because that isn’t possible. Love changes. It takes all of us into the dark
side of who we are so that we can be assured that we are loved wholly-no masks, no games-loved for who we are, through and through. That’s the only way we can know if we are truly lovable and can develop the capacity to love someone else in just the same way.
The key to co-creating trustworthy love is to redefine the notion of
conflict. Rather than a win/lose battle, understand that each conflict is a
gift from the heart of your togetherness. It acts like a flare, shot up from
the depths of your relationship, alerting both of you that something
important needs attention. Something in your relationship is calling out for
new understanding, compassion, care, and healing.
The idea of opening yourself to conflict may sound daunting. After all, do
you want to risk antagonizing, or worse, be rejected by the very person you feel such love for? But if you don’t bring forth the truth-the hurt, fear, disappointment, anger, and sadness that arise from your clash of
differences-then you are not loving, no matter what you say. You are not
letting your partner know you. And that’s not real love.
Love can’t thrive in pretense. Love can grow only out of what is real.
So where is the magic in all of this?-in the singularly rich intimacy you
create together. This is the real, dependable, all-embracing intimacy in
which you both feel secure and willing to explore and express the full range of your feelings for each other-from sweet affection, to personal doubts and insecurities, and, yes, your fierceness when necessary.
There, in your differences, you will discover lasting passion, romance in
even the smallest moments, wisdom that guides you through the tough times, joy in simply being together, and a deepening spiritual awareness that love is real and it is what you thought it could be.
Don’t hide from your differences, especially when they lead to conflict.
They are fertile soil for co-creating mutual respect, esteem, trust,
intimacy, joy, and the very real magic that awaits you at the heart of who you really are.
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